Silly how I find myself drifting back here, even though I told myself I wouldn't; that I would move on and try to forget about you in college. Hmm, I was talking to Kitty tonight. About being homesick, about my goals for college, about finding people I could be myself around. You see, here I'm always trying to be something I'm not. I'm not a drinker, a smoker, a guy looking for girls to sleep with. Who am I? I'm that guy on the swings, who speaks about love, and life, and happiness and sadness. I'm the one trying to find answers to what I am and who I am. The one searching for comfort, for clarity, for intelligence, and depth. The opposite of what I find here: a search for "fun" without consequences. Fun without caring. Where can I find what I'm looking for?Tonight I felt... consumed by sadness. And I've noticed I've come to associate sadness, with you.
You are the sky that canopies over my thoughts, my memories, my emotions; you define my sadness. It's almost silly how often you're on my mind; how often I'm unhappy. How when there's no one around to talk to, I talk to you. Silly isn't it? How my brain works. How it fills in the silence with your voice. Sometimes it's like we didn't break up. It's like you just passed away. And when I think of it like that, it makes it that much harder to let go of you.
I talk to you in my head like you never changed. Like if you were still the same girl I was in love with. I ask you if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm going to be okay, if you still believe in me. And you're always there to tell me I'm going to be fine, to stay strong and not cry, that you believe in me. It's like talking to a ghost. To a memory of a person who is no longer here. I miss you.
I'm afraid I'll always be haunted by you-- by choice.
You see, I can't let you go.
Does that make sense? It's my choice to keep you here with me. Like I'm chaining you to me; because I still need you. Because I don't want to be alone. Because I'm afraid to live on my own. To live without you.
And yet the real you isn't anything like who you use to be. Someone I was proud of; someone beautiful,more beautiful than anything in the world.
This paradoxical relationship between us is insanity. You are the cause of my sadness, and the answer to it. I call for help, and you answer. Captor and captive. But who is who?
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I will always be in love with a ghost of you.
