Untitled- Poetry

--12.15.08
Our beginning began like all beginnings begin/
Naivety nursing on our newfound romance/
We spun our storybook wishing on stars/
Setting rules and forgotten promises as insurance for what would be our broken hearts/

Late night conversations turned to adoration/
And I remember I told you I loved you before I knew what love meant/
Heart pumping hard, with shallow breaths and balmy hands/
My nights reflected the light from the halo above your head/
Never knowing the blinding effect it left in the morning/

I awoke each day with the imprint of your smile on my mind/
And with warm whispers of your lips on mine/

Remembering the flames of a now forgotten passion/
I wander with what’s left of my memories/
Grasping at what I so forcefully pushed away/
I reach for remnants of repressed thoughts and feelings/

As my hypothetical hands hover above an open flame/
I develop a callous over my fingertips/
My ability to feel becomes reduced to a science/
Involving networks of nerves and neurons/
But never addressing the possibility that pain is no longer a factor/

Riding our rollercoaster relationship we reached the peak/
Only to spiral down and return to point zero/

Ironically I was always afraid of rollercoaster’s/
But you/
You always enjoyed them/

Missing the memories that now disappeared/
I hold a heart harder than stone/
But still small memories like bugs buried into my bones/
Programmed to play their part in post relationship reminder roles/
Scurry to my brain and haunt my new pitch black dreams/

Your old halo of light crackles broken like a discarded light bulb/
Next to your tattered wings and my tattered trust/

Standing in your living room six months ago/
I prepared myself for the inevitable disaster to strike/
I remember the tense quiet calm before the storm/
And the harsh hollow crack of my heart as you lied one last time/
Nodding when I asked if you still loved me/

Broken and battered my smile slowly sets into a face of indifference as I cut ties with daily reminders of happier times/
Heartbroken but healing I set out to be stronger still/
My first steps involved removing the now disfigured heart off my sleeve/
And returning the remainders to its rightful place inside the protective covering of my chest/
I replaced the lack luster lock with one that was password protected so that the pieces would have the opportunity to place itself back together/

Six months later the silence exchanged between us brought to my mouth, the taste of bile and bitterness/
Shaking off the shackles that suppress my sleep and my every waking moment/
I try to forgive as I start to forget/

The theory that time heals all wounds is nothing more than the fact that we forget the figures which haunt us/
As the clarity of your face becomes a blur/
I am once again able to breath, until your image invades my eyes/
I push and pull while gauging the extend of emotional abuse I can endure/

All the while hoping what I believe to be healing is not another concoction I created to cope/

As the calluses covering my fingers and cuts across my chest begin to clear/
I am reminded I am still human/
Exposing my heart through a crack the size of a pinhole/
I trace the faint outline of the stars I had first wished on/
Dimly illuminating the pitch black dreams your halo once lit/
That sliver of light shows little semblance of myself/
A smoke and mirror mask creates a fake face/
The product: a pasted on smile meant to protect myself from peoples prying eyes/

A list of ingredients sits along the forefront of my thoughts/
One broken heart, One shaky goodbye/
Two lessons taught but one lesson learned/
Two cups of experience, once closed door/
And a pinch of love lost in the mixture which I wish I could take back/

Trapped in the aroma of a relationship passed/
Your scent unwanted-ly wafts into my consciousness/
As the familiarity of my first hello dances with your last goodbye/
I exit myself to march alone down a desolate road/
Wanting to forget, so I can forgive/
So I can forget.

Great Companions

--12.07.08
"And our history will never be erased
You were a great companion
And some memories will never ever fade
So I love and so I hate."



I think it's time to move on.
I learned that hating you was draining me more than it could ever hurt you.
Emotionally, mentally; holding onto this grudge.
I learned why we ended finally-- I suppose you could call it closure.
I suppose.
I found it funny when I was told the reason.
It was the same reason I thought of months ago.
You got tired of me, of us.
When I heard the news, I felt...happy? Something like a victory, knowing I was right.
But afterward I just felt sad...and then angry; so angry.
I wonder if its the right way to go, if being honest, being true is the right thing to do.
It is me who messed up by being myself too much.
Or you, who learned all there was to know, and moved on.

I listened to - Human by Jon Mclaughlin before.
I guess I denied what I knew.
Your actions were "only human."
I told Kitty --Maybe I just expect too much from people,
Maybe its because I've grown and I expect them to grow too.
But we're only 17. We're so young. So why do I expect an adult relationship.
Why do I expect someone so young, to understand a pain so old.
Maybe I'm the one who's wrong.
For expecting her to feel with a heart that is too young to understand.
Maybe I expected too much.

"After all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
after all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’

I’m smart enough to know,
that life goes by,
and it leaves a trail of broken hearts behind."


I'm writing to say.
I'm trying to forgive you.


Kitty asked. Does it feel better now that I left it all go.
But when I think about it.
Without the anger I've held in so long.
All I feel is a constant sadness.

I'm still afraid to be hurt. But I guess that's okay.