Life is Not What I Thought it was, Twenty-Four Hours Ago.

--10.26.08
"We would stand in the wind
We were free like water
Flowing down
Under the warmth of the sun
Now it's cold and we're scared
And we've both been shaken"

I hate this day of the month. Its like my personal depression time .
Whenever the 27th rolls around, or the 3rd.
I internally start to feel sad, without even trying.
Looking back at how I felt I realized I'm a lot more disconnected from my emotions.
Every time I feel closer to who I use to be, I shrink back.
I'm so scared to give myself to her.
I don't even trust myself right now.
I hold myself back because if I learned anything from our relationship.
It was to never hurt anyone the way you've hurt me.

One thing I realized today was that the way I treat her is the way I treated you.
Because I treated you the best I could.
But it scares me, because I keep putting the similarities together.
Whenever something reminds me of you, I hesitate.
I want to make her feel special...but I don't know how I would treat her differently.
How I would make me feel like I'm treating her special.

Even though I've deleted you from my sight, you're still on my mind.
"I'm trying not to think about you, why can't you just let me be."
I still keep with me the scarred heart you left.
If I could. I would throw away everything I felt, for her.
She deserves better than me.
I'm trying to make this relationship move forward.
It's what she should have, but still.
I feel like I'm still in mourning sometimes.
Mourning our relationship.
I don't miss you. I miss what we had.

"Part of me died, when I left you."
I'm just trying to get it back.

Did I Make it that Easy, To Walk Right in and Out, Of my Life.

--10.24.08
It happens a lot.
Some nights I look back at what you chose to leave behind.
Don't get me wrong, I think... mentally, I'm in a better place.
But still. Every time I look back I remember.
It's never easy, each picture I flip through I see a memory.
I remember more now that I ever did when I was with you.
They say you don't appreciate something until it's gone.
Strange how I do. But you don't.
Why do I flip back and look for us.
I've deleted you off everything I could think of but you'll still be there.
Whenever I think about the worst thing that's happened to me, I picture you.
I think I held on too long while searching for what I fell in love with.

You see, I remember:
Your cute quirky comments...now sound immature.
Your kindness...frozen like ice.
Your reliability...shot.
Your honesty...gone.
Your support... nonexistent.
Your presence... now annoys me.
Your comfort...strangling.
Your morals... lost.
Your advice... hypocritical.
Your happiness... fake.
Your love... I don't know if that one was ever there.
I gave you two years of my life.
You were my first love.
Unlike you. I learned from my relationship.
I gave you everything I had.
And everyone knew you just used me up. and threw me away.
I know it most of all.

"Hope dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption."
I kept looking for months. Hoping I'd find it.
"Riding on the fumes that sparks us, while igniting dreams."
Looking for that one snap, that'd let me soar again.

I was looking for your hand.
To hold me up. That support you use to give me.
But you never did. I guess it made me depend on myself more.
Because you wouldn't be there.

You were my best friend.
I didn't go out with you just to be your boyfriend.
I went out to make sure I'd never let you fall.
To wipe away your tears.
To talk to you about your problems.
To surprise you and make you feel special.
To tell you you were one of a kind.
To show you I loved you.

I didn't need a girlfriend after we broke up.
I just needed my best friend.
I just needed you to wipe my tears away.
To tell me we were okay.
To help me.

For all the times I went out of my way to make you smile.
You repaid me in my own tears.
And then turned around and walked away.
So you could smile with someone else.
When I needed you most of all.
You left me alone.

"Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me."

Goodbye - June 25th, 2008.

"After I finally slept I didn't wake up until one today.
I won't show you this until wednesday because according to Salina we both need a breather.
I calmed down yesterday. I let it soak in.
Being in love with you, and having you return my emotions
were the best two years of my life.
I kept saying how I wish I never loved you.
But Jade put it into perspective for me
"You looked the happiest when you were with her."
I wonder if it was the same for you.
My happiness lies in my dreams.
Because I dream of you.
They lie in my memories of you from the beginning to the end.
From the first kiss on my cheek.
The shaking of my legs as I entered my first relationship.
From the beginning, running in the rain...
Our first date on the water
Our nights talking and discovering our likes and dislikes.
The way that we would talk about our problems
The naps we would take with you in my arms
Your scent on my mind.
The movies we would watch together
The days we would just hold hands and walk.
My happiness lies in the flowers I sent you.
They lie in the phone calls
They lie in the worry, the unknown
The problems we had. Even the problems which we worked through.
They lie in the effort and the ease of maintaining this relationship
They lie in the dreams.
The dreams of living my life with you in a house next to Mamie's.
Our white picket house dream with kids in the backyard.
It seemed so far away and so close.
It lingers in school where you would wait for me outside of class with a hug or a kiss.
It lingers throughout manhattan and flushing
It lives in the mornings when I would see you
The days you would cook for me
The pictures we've taken,
the notes you've written, the cards. the letters.
It stayed with knowing that you loved me.
Those three words that you always told me
They never lost their meaning no matter how many times you said them.
I took for granted our relationship.
I never looked at all the little things and realized they meant so much to me.
I've finished with regretting and hoping I never loved you.
I wish that I could have loved you more
and made you feel like there would always be someone to hold you
never made you doubt
with somewhere to always go.
Because thats how you made me feel.
Jade was right, I was happiest when I was with you.
For two years of my life, it wasnt my life.
It was our lives. Anything I did was partly for you.
My life and yours are intertwined whether you see it or not
To have to slowly pick myself apart from you is like losing a part of myself
To break the knots that are so tightly woven...
Im sorry I told you maybe you never loved me
I know you did.
I feel empty,
you were the smile on my face.
And I never realized it.
The days I held you in my arms while you slept
and looked at you and smiled
knowing I found what completed me
I know you felt it too.
Im sorry for wishing I never loved you,
Im sorry for wishing I didnt care.
Im sorry for somehow, somewhere along the lines
things changed.
Our history, they're a part of me
every kiss, every smile
every hug, every touch.
"I will take with me the memories,
to be my sunshine, after the rain."
You are my proof that love exists.
I have felt it. I know its there.
I wont throw out the pictures.
I wont throw away the gifts.
I wont burn the cranes Ive made for you.
They are my memories.
My proof.
That I felt requited love.
Even as I write this I cry.
When my tears run dry I know I will have accepted everything
But if each tear represented a day, an hour, a minute, a second with you.
I know I have enough tears, for what I hoped would be a lifetime with you.
I love you, Angel Wu. Always. And forever."