I won't show you this until wednesday because according to Salina we both need a breather.
I calmed down yesterday. I let it soak in.
Being in love with you, and having you return my emotions
were the best two years of my life.
I kept saying how I wish I never loved you.
But Jade put it into perspective for me
"You looked the happiest when you were with her."
I wonder if it was the same for you.
My happiness lies in my dreams.
Because I dream of you.
They lie in my memories of you from the beginning to the end.
From the first kiss on my cheek.
The shaking of my legs as I entered my first relationship.
From the beginning, running in the rain...
Our first date on the water
Our nights talking and discovering our likes and dislikes.
The way that we would talk about our problems
The naps we would take with you in my arms
Your scent on my mind.
The movies we would watch together
The days we would just hold hands and walk.
My happiness lies in the flowers I sent you.
They lie in the phone calls
They lie in the worry, the unknown
The problems we had. Even the problems which we worked through.
They lie in the effort and the ease of maintaining this relationship
They lie in the dreams.
The dreams of living my life with you in a house next to Mamie's.
Our white picket house dream with kids in the backyard.
It seemed so far away and so close.
It lingers in school where you would wait for me outside of class with a hug or a kiss.
It lingers throughout manhattan and flushing
It lives in the mornings when I would see you
The days you would cook for me
The pictures we've taken,
the notes you've written, the cards. the letters.
It stayed with knowing that you loved me.
Those three words that you always told me
They never lost their meaning no matter how many times you said them.
I took for granted our relationship.
I never looked at all the little things and realized they meant so much to me.
I've finished with regretting and hoping I never loved you.
I wish that I could have loved you more
and made you feel like there would always be someone to hold you
never made you doubt
with somewhere to always go.
Because thats how you made me feel.
Jade was right, I was happiest when I was with you.
For two years of my life, it wasnt my life.
It was our lives. Anything I did was partly for you.
My life and yours are intertwined whether you see it or not
To have to slowly pick myself apart from you is like losing a part of myself
To break the knots that are so tightly woven...
Im sorry I told you maybe you never loved me
I know you did.
I feel empty,
you were the smile on my face.
And I never realized it.
The days I held you in my arms while you slept
and looked at you and smiled
knowing I found what completed me
I know you felt it too.
Im sorry for wishing I never loved you,
Im sorry for wishing I didnt care.
Im sorry for somehow, somewhere along the lines
things changed.
Our history, they're a part of me
every kiss, every smile
every hug, every touch.
"I will take with me the memories,
to be my sunshine, after the rain."
You are my proof that love exists.
I have felt it. I know its there.
I wont throw out the pictures.
I wont throw away the gifts.
I wont burn the cranes Ive made for you.
They are my memories.
My proof.
That I felt requited love.
Even as I write this I cry.
When my tears run dry I know I will have accepted everything
But if each tear represented a day, an hour, a minute, a second with you.
I know I have enough tears, for what I hoped would be a lifetime with you.
I love you, Angel Wu. Always. And forever."
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