Life is Not What I Thought it was, Twenty-Four Hours Ago.

--10.26.08
"We would stand in the wind
We were free like water
Flowing down
Under the warmth of the sun
Now it's cold and we're scared
And we've both been shaken"

I hate this day of the month. Its like my personal depression time .
Whenever the 27th rolls around, or the 3rd.
I internally start to feel sad, without even trying.
Looking back at how I felt I realized I'm a lot more disconnected from my emotions.
Every time I feel closer to who I use to be, I shrink back.
I'm so scared to give myself to her.
I don't even trust myself right now.
I hold myself back because if I learned anything from our relationship.
It was to never hurt anyone the way you've hurt me.

One thing I realized today was that the way I treat her is the way I treated you.
Because I treated you the best I could.
But it scares me, because I keep putting the similarities together.
Whenever something reminds me of you, I hesitate.
I want to make her feel special...but I don't know how I would treat her differently.
How I would make me feel like I'm treating her special.

Even though I've deleted you from my sight, you're still on my mind.
"I'm trying not to think about you, why can't you just let me be."
I still keep with me the scarred heart you left.
If I could. I would throw away everything I felt, for her.
She deserves better than me.
I'm trying to make this relationship move forward.
It's what she should have, but still.
I feel like I'm still in mourning sometimes.
Mourning our relationship.
I don't miss you. I miss what we had.

"Part of me died, when I left you."
I'm just trying to get it back.