skip to main |
skip to sidebar
--04.20.09
I don't know why I still let it eat at me.
Why I still think about you, or things;
What-I-thought-could-have-been is one of the hardest things to come to terms with,
Right after memories of you.
I flip back to our last conversation,
And I remember how you still believed in giving up.
How you still believed you couldn't change things.
"It's only too late when you let it be so."
It's was never too late...you just let it be.
No matter how bad things got...
No matter how much I hurt,
I still cared about you.
I still would have given you that chance...
With the right words, and with sincerity,
I would.
Janet said I need to stop hoping to hear certain words from you.
That they'll never come.
"I know you're here to catch your breath
But I'm not listening for the right words anymore
I'll take what's left."
-Matt Nathanson
I guess those lyrics speak to me because its how I've been feeling.
I know you only talked to me because its the end of the year,
And you don't want loose ends, unfinished business,
Because you thought I'd like some closure.
But they weren't the words I wanted you to say.
Janet said I should just take it, "take what's left."
But I can't...and I don't know why.
Why I'm holding onto this spark of hope that you can still change and say what I would like you to.
What I, somewhere inside, believe you're capable of.
I'm planning on showing you this blog before we graduate.
I think that what I wanted most was to just know what you were thinking or feeling this whole time,
So in return, I'll show you how I've been feeling.
I guess I think maybe if you could see,
You might understand.
---
Have you heard the song "Whatever It Takes" by Lifehouse ?
I think the lyrics to that song is almost exactly what I wished you would say to me.
I heard the song a month after we stopped talking,
Since then I haven't stopped wishing you'd say something similar to those words.
I hope you listen to it.
---
Thinking back to what you finally gave me:
What I didn't need from you was an explanation.
I needed you to say, "I messed up, I really did, and I hurt you more than I can understand.
I know that I don't deserve it, but I want a chance to make things right.
I know its been a long time, but let me prove you to I'm different now,
Let me take responsibility for the things I've done."
I didn't need you to say "I messed up and this is why; I can't fix anything because its too late, I just wanted you to know."
I needed a change.
I'm tired of all this, and I'm not sure you, or anyone I know really understands how much of you were a part of me.
How much I miss that part.
How some days it's hard just to go through everything,
Feeling like I've lost a part of myself.
How hard days like these are.
--04.11.09
Sometimes I sit back and I know I shouldn't blame you as much as I do for everything.
Yes, you left me to deal with things by myself,
But it was me who should have dealt with them.
It hasn't always been you that's held me back,
Actually, most of it has been myself.
When I think about it, I've accomplished everything I had set out to do.
I did what I had wanted to do;
I think where I did fail, it was a personal failure.
You know the saying
"If you love someone let them go, if they never return, they were never yours to begin with?"
I wish it was that simple.
That letting go would be so simple.
Well if love is so pure and clean, then where does the pain come from.
If it was so amazingly pure that you could let go and love them as they walked away without feeling regret or bitterness,
then what is it I feel?
Where is the line between the two, where do the two emotions interact, where do they mingle?
I guess I'm trying to find a label for these emotions.
Trying to break them down into something tangible; a name.
As if how I feel all the time could be called, "abcxzy."
"I feel abcxyz right now."
"Oh I understand, that's in the dictionary, I know what you mean."
Looking for simplicity.
I guess I'm trying to find out what we had.
Because I've always thought of it as love; on my part at least.
And yet it wasn't always so,
I didn't love you when I first met you.
Not at the beginning.
There is no such thing as love at first sight.
Not for us.
So then when does like become love,
And if love is so permanent then why does it fade?
Or if it is permanent, then did you ever love me in the first place?
And if that's the case, was this relationship always lop-sided?
And if it was then why did I always feel like you cared for me more than I did you?
When did that turn around?
I feel plagued by so many unanswered questions and I keep trying to push them down.
Push them away, because I know I wont be able to answer them.
But they always resurface.
One after the other.
Do I only feel this way because now you're gone I realize how much you had meant to me?
If so then how did I feel when I was with you.
I was happy.
I was comfortable.
I was naive.
But at least I was sure.
I hate being confused like this,
but sometimes there are no answers.
And sometimes you just don't want to hear them.
So what is it I need?
I just need to get use to that.
-----
Crack.Crack. This porcelain heart.
--04.04.09Edited For Grammar and Punctuality.
CoolkidLinchen (12:53:57 AM): I don't know if you would understand. She changed my life when she came into it. Made me believe in things, gave me hope, gave me love, made me who I was. She took the raw happiness and emotions, my ideas and dreams and shaped them into something real...and then she walked out out; took it all away. Took the me, the raw me, with her. And I was left with an emptiness that took me sixteen years to originally fill. Everything I was growing up; up to that moment everything was being turned into something that would define me. And then it was gone. It's like I lost who I was and everything that led me to be the person I was. It's like if I spend my whole life collecting priceless art, and one day I realize the person I trusted most stole it all. Stole my purpose for living. And the only thing I can do is to try to find a new purpose. Because without something to live for, there's nothing. And I still haven't found something new to live for. I don't know... I just want you to understand what it all means. Where I'm at.
Tonight I came closer to crying than I have been in over eight months.
Tonight we talked...and nothing changed.
It's sad to see where we are, how far we've fallen.
How neither of us came out alright.
How it's too late to change anything.
How much you meant to me.
I don't know what to do any more.
Tonight I realized, who I am, who I've become,
Refuses to forgive.
And it scares me to death.
Who the fuck am I anymore.
--04.20.09
