Questions- A Note to Self, a Rant about Love.

--04.11.09
Sometimes I sit back and I know I shouldn't blame you as much as I do for everything.
Yes, you left me to deal with things by myself,
But it was me who should have dealt with them.
It hasn't always been you that's held me back,
Actually, most of it has been myself.

When I think about it, I've accomplished everything I had set out to do.
I did what I had wanted to do;
I think where I did fail, it was a personal failure.
You know the saying
"If you love someone let them go, if they never return, they were never yours to begin with?"
I wish it was that simple.
That letting go would be so simple.

Well if love is so pure and clean, then where does the pain come from.
If it was so amazingly pure that you could let go and love them as they walked away without feeling regret or bitterness,
then what is it I feel?
Where is the line between the two, where do the two emotions interact, where do they mingle?

I guess I'm trying to find a label for these emotions.
Trying to break them down into something tangible; a name.
As if how I feel all the time could be called, "abcxzy."
"I feel abcxyz right now."
"Oh I understand, that's in the dictionary, I know what you mean."

Looking for simplicity.

I guess I'm trying to find out what we had.
Because I've always thought of it as love; on my part at least.
And yet it wasn't always so,
I didn't love you when I first met you.
Not at the beginning.
There is no such thing as love at first sight.
Not for us.

So then when does like become love,
And if love is so permanent then why does it fade?
Or if it is permanent, then did you ever love me in the first place?
And if that's the case, was this relationship always lop-sided?
And if it was then why did I always feel like you cared for me more than I did you?
When did that turn around?

I feel plagued by so many unanswered questions and I keep trying to push them down.
Push them away, because I know I wont be able to answer them.
But they always resurface.
One after the other.

Do I only feel this way because now you're gone I realize how much you had meant to me?
If so then how did I feel when I was with you.
I was happy.
I was comfortable.
I was naive.
But at least I was sure.

I hate being confused like this,
but sometimes there are no answers.
And sometimes you just don't want to hear them.
So what is it I need?
I just need to get use to that.

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Crack.Crack. This porcelain heart.