"But I'm not listening for the right words anymore."

--04.20.09
I don't know why I still let it eat at me.
Why I still think about you, or things;
What-I-thought-could-have-been is one of the hardest things to come to terms with,
Right after memories of you.

I flip back to our last conversation,
And I remember how you still believed in giving up.
How you still believed you couldn't change things.
"It's only too late when you let it be so."
It's was never too late...you just let it be.
No matter how bad things got...
No matter how much I hurt,
I still cared about you.
I still would have given you that chance...
With the right words, and with sincerity,
I would.

Janet said I need to stop hoping to hear certain words from you.
That they'll never come.

"I know you're here to catch your breath
But I'm not listening for the right words anymore
I'll take what's left."
-Matt Nathanson

I guess those lyrics speak to me because its how I've been feeling.
I know you only talked to me because its the end of the year,
And you don't want loose ends, unfinished business,
Because you thought I'd like some closure.
But they weren't the words I wanted you to say.
Janet said I should just take it, "take what's left."
But I can't...and I don't know why.
Why I'm holding onto this spark of hope that you can still change and say what I would like you to.
What I, somewhere inside, believe you're capable of.

I'm planning on showing you this blog before we graduate.
I think that what I wanted most was to just know what you were thinking or feeling this whole time,
So in return, I'll show you how I've been feeling.
I guess I think maybe if you could see,
You might understand.
---

Have you heard the song "Whatever It Takes" by Lifehouse ?
I think the lyrics to that song is almost exactly what I wished you would say to me.
I heard the song a month after we stopped talking,
Since then I haven't stopped wishing you'd say something similar to those words.
I hope you listen to it.
---

Thinking back to what you finally gave me:
What I didn't need from you was an explanation.
I needed you to say, "I messed up, I really did, and I hurt you more than I can understand.
I know that I don't deserve it, but I want a chance to make things right.
I know its been a long time, but let me prove you to I'm different now,
Let me take responsibility for the things I've done."
I didn't need you to say "I messed up and this is why; I can't fix anything because its too late, I just wanted you to know."

I needed a change.

I'm tired of all this, and I'm not sure you, or anyone I know really understands how much of you were a part of me.
How much I miss that part.
How some days it's hard just to go through everything,
Feeling like I've lost a part of myself.

How hard days like these are.