Untitled- Poetry

--12.15.08
Our beginning began like all beginnings begin/
Naivety nursing on our newfound romance/
We spun our storybook wishing on stars/
Setting rules and forgotten promises as insurance for what would be our broken hearts/

Late night conversations turned to adoration/
And I remember I told you I loved you before I knew what love meant/
Heart pumping hard, with shallow breaths and balmy hands/
My nights reflected the light from the halo above your head/
Never knowing the blinding effect it left in the morning/

I awoke each day with the imprint of your smile on my mind/
And with warm whispers of your lips on mine/

Remembering the flames of a now forgotten passion/
I wander with what’s left of my memories/
Grasping at what I so forcefully pushed away/
I reach for remnants of repressed thoughts and feelings/

As my hypothetical hands hover above an open flame/
I develop a callous over my fingertips/
My ability to feel becomes reduced to a science/
Involving networks of nerves and neurons/
But never addressing the possibility that pain is no longer a factor/

Riding our rollercoaster relationship we reached the peak/
Only to spiral down and return to point zero/

Ironically I was always afraid of rollercoaster’s/
But you/
You always enjoyed them/

Missing the memories that now disappeared/
I hold a heart harder than stone/
But still small memories like bugs buried into my bones/
Programmed to play their part in post relationship reminder roles/
Scurry to my brain and haunt my new pitch black dreams/

Your old halo of light crackles broken like a discarded light bulb/
Next to your tattered wings and my tattered trust/

Standing in your living room six months ago/
I prepared myself for the inevitable disaster to strike/
I remember the tense quiet calm before the storm/
And the harsh hollow crack of my heart as you lied one last time/
Nodding when I asked if you still loved me/

Broken and battered my smile slowly sets into a face of indifference as I cut ties with daily reminders of happier times/
Heartbroken but healing I set out to be stronger still/
My first steps involved removing the now disfigured heart off my sleeve/
And returning the remainders to its rightful place inside the protective covering of my chest/
I replaced the lack luster lock with one that was password protected so that the pieces would have the opportunity to place itself back together/

Six months later the silence exchanged between us brought to my mouth, the taste of bile and bitterness/
Shaking off the shackles that suppress my sleep and my every waking moment/
I try to forgive as I start to forget/

The theory that time heals all wounds is nothing more than the fact that we forget the figures which haunt us/
As the clarity of your face becomes a blur/
I am once again able to breath, until your image invades my eyes/
I push and pull while gauging the extend of emotional abuse I can endure/

All the while hoping what I believe to be healing is not another concoction I created to cope/

As the calluses covering my fingers and cuts across my chest begin to clear/
I am reminded I am still human/
Exposing my heart through a crack the size of a pinhole/
I trace the faint outline of the stars I had first wished on/
Dimly illuminating the pitch black dreams your halo once lit/
That sliver of light shows little semblance of myself/
A smoke and mirror mask creates a fake face/
The product: a pasted on smile meant to protect myself from peoples prying eyes/

A list of ingredients sits along the forefront of my thoughts/
One broken heart, One shaky goodbye/
Two lessons taught but one lesson learned/
Two cups of experience, once closed door/
And a pinch of love lost in the mixture which I wish I could take back/

Trapped in the aroma of a relationship passed/
Your scent unwanted-ly wafts into my consciousness/
As the familiarity of my first hello dances with your last goodbye/
I exit myself to march alone down a desolate road/
Wanting to forget, so I can forgive/
So I can forget.

Great Companions

--12.07.08
"And our history will never be erased
You were a great companion
And some memories will never ever fade
So I love and so I hate."



I think it's time to move on.
I learned that hating you was draining me more than it could ever hurt you.
Emotionally, mentally; holding onto this grudge.
I learned why we ended finally-- I suppose you could call it closure.
I suppose.
I found it funny when I was told the reason.
It was the same reason I thought of months ago.
You got tired of me, of us.
When I heard the news, I felt...happy? Something like a victory, knowing I was right.
But afterward I just felt sad...and then angry; so angry.
I wonder if its the right way to go, if being honest, being true is the right thing to do.
It is me who messed up by being myself too much.
Or you, who learned all there was to know, and moved on.

I listened to - Human by Jon Mclaughlin before.
I guess I denied what I knew.
Your actions were "only human."
I told Kitty --Maybe I just expect too much from people,
Maybe its because I've grown and I expect them to grow too.
But we're only 17. We're so young. So why do I expect an adult relationship.
Why do I expect someone so young, to understand a pain so old.
Maybe I'm the one who's wrong.
For expecting her to feel with a heart that is too young to understand.
Maybe I expected too much.

"After all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
after all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’

I’m smart enough to know,
that life goes by,
and it leaves a trail of broken hearts behind."


I'm writing to say.
I'm trying to forgive you.


Kitty asked. Does it feel better now that I left it all go.
But when I think about it.
Without the anger I've held in so long.
All I feel is a constant sadness.

I'm still afraid to be hurt. But I guess that's okay.

Life is Not What I Thought it was, Twenty-Four Hours Ago.

--10.26.08
"We would stand in the wind
We were free like water
Flowing down
Under the warmth of the sun
Now it's cold and we're scared
And we've both been shaken"

I hate this day of the month. Its like my personal depression time .
Whenever the 27th rolls around, or the 3rd.
I internally start to feel sad, without even trying.
Looking back at how I felt I realized I'm a lot more disconnected from my emotions.
Every time I feel closer to who I use to be, I shrink back.
I'm so scared to give myself to her.
I don't even trust myself right now.
I hold myself back because if I learned anything from our relationship.
It was to never hurt anyone the way you've hurt me.

One thing I realized today was that the way I treat her is the way I treated you.
Because I treated you the best I could.
But it scares me, because I keep putting the similarities together.
Whenever something reminds me of you, I hesitate.
I want to make her feel special...but I don't know how I would treat her differently.
How I would make me feel like I'm treating her special.

Even though I've deleted you from my sight, you're still on my mind.
"I'm trying not to think about you, why can't you just let me be."
I still keep with me the scarred heart you left.
If I could. I would throw away everything I felt, for her.
She deserves better than me.
I'm trying to make this relationship move forward.
It's what she should have, but still.
I feel like I'm still in mourning sometimes.
Mourning our relationship.
I don't miss you. I miss what we had.

"Part of me died, when I left you."
I'm just trying to get it back.

Did I Make it that Easy, To Walk Right in and Out, Of my Life.

--10.24.08
It happens a lot.
Some nights I look back at what you chose to leave behind.
Don't get me wrong, I think... mentally, I'm in a better place.
But still. Every time I look back I remember.
It's never easy, each picture I flip through I see a memory.
I remember more now that I ever did when I was with you.
They say you don't appreciate something until it's gone.
Strange how I do. But you don't.
Why do I flip back and look for us.
I've deleted you off everything I could think of but you'll still be there.
Whenever I think about the worst thing that's happened to me, I picture you.
I think I held on too long while searching for what I fell in love with.

You see, I remember:
Your cute quirky comments...now sound immature.
Your kindness...frozen like ice.
Your reliability...shot.
Your honesty...gone.
Your support... nonexistent.
Your presence... now annoys me.
Your comfort...strangling.
Your morals... lost.
Your advice... hypocritical.
Your happiness... fake.
Your love... I don't know if that one was ever there.
I gave you two years of my life.
You were my first love.
Unlike you. I learned from my relationship.
I gave you everything I had.
And everyone knew you just used me up. and threw me away.
I know it most of all.

"Hope dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption."
I kept looking for months. Hoping I'd find it.
"Riding on the fumes that sparks us, while igniting dreams."
Looking for that one snap, that'd let me soar again.

I was looking for your hand.
To hold me up. That support you use to give me.
But you never did. I guess it made me depend on myself more.
Because you wouldn't be there.

You were my best friend.
I didn't go out with you just to be your boyfriend.
I went out to make sure I'd never let you fall.
To wipe away your tears.
To talk to you about your problems.
To surprise you and make you feel special.
To tell you you were one of a kind.
To show you I loved you.

I didn't need a girlfriend after we broke up.
I just needed my best friend.
I just needed you to wipe my tears away.
To tell me we were okay.
To help me.

For all the times I went out of my way to make you smile.
You repaid me in my own tears.
And then turned around and walked away.
So you could smile with someone else.
When I needed you most of all.
You left me alone.

"Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me."

Goodbye - June 25th, 2008.

"After I finally slept I didn't wake up until one today.
I won't show you this until wednesday because according to Salina we both need a breather.
I calmed down yesterday. I let it soak in.
Being in love with you, and having you return my emotions
were the best two years of my life.
I kept saying how I wish I never loved you.
But Jade put it into perspective for me
"You looked the happiest when you were with her."
I wonder if it was the same for you.
My happiness lies in my dreams.
Because I dream of you.
They lie in my memories of you from the beginning to the end.
From the first kiss on my cheek.
The shaking of my legs as I entered my first relationship.
From the beginning, running in the rain...
Our first date on the water
Our nights talking and discovering our likes and dislikes.
The way that we would talk about our problems
The naps we would take with you in my arms
Your scent on my mind.
The movies we would watch together
The days we would just hold hands and walk.
My happiness lies in the flowers I sent you.
They lie in the phone calls
They lie in the worry, the unknown
The problems we had. Even the problems which we worked through.
They lie in the effort and the ease of maintaining this relationship
They lie in the dreams.
The dreams of living my life with you in a house next to Mamie's.
Our white picket house dream with kids in the backyard.
It seemed so far away and so close.
It lingers in school where you would wait for me outside of class with a hug or a kiss.
It lingers throughout manhattan and flushing
It lives in the mornings when I would see you
The days you would cook for me
The pictures we've taken,
the notes you've written, the cards. the letters.
It stayed with knowing that you loved me.
Those three words that you always told me
They never lost their meaning no matter how many times you said them.
I took for granted our relationship.
I never looked at all the little things and realized they meant so much to me.
I've finished with regretting and hoping I never loved you.
I wish that I could have loved you more
and made you feel like there would always be someone to hold you
never made you doubt
with somewhere to always go.
Because thats how you made me feel.
Jade was right, I was happiest when I was with you.
For two years of my life, it wasnt my life.
It was our lives. Anything I did was partly for you.
My life and yours are intertwined whether you see it or not
To have to slowly pick myself apart from you is like losing a part of myself
To break the knots that are so tightly woven...
Im sorry I told you maybe you never loved me
I know you did.
I feel empty,
you were the smile on my face.
And I never realized it.
The days I held you in my arms while you slept
and looked at you and smiled
knowing I found what completed me
I know you felt it too.
Im sorry for wishing I never loved you,
Im sorry for wishing I didnt care.
Im sorry for somehow, somewhere along the lines
things changed.
Our history, they're a part of me
every kiss, every smile
every hug, every touch.
"I will take with me the memories,
to be my sunshine, after the rain."
You are my proof that love exists.
I have felt it. I know its there.
I wont throw out the pictures.
I wont throw away the gifts.
I wont burn the cranes Ive made for you.
They are my memories.
My proof.
That I felt requited love.
Even as I write this I cry.
When my tears run dry I know I will have accepted everything
But if each tear represented a day, an hour, a minute, a second with you.
I know I have enough tears, for what I hoped would be a lifetime with you.
I love you, Angel Wu. Always. And forever."

Random Thoughts Section

Feb 14. 2009
I'm watching Coffee Prince and I see a scene where the main characters cousin brings his grandmother 1,000 folded paper cranes and wishes she passes without pain. Shes in the hospital.
I wonder: If I had finished folding the 1,000 cranes would my wish have come true? I folded 600 before you left me.
I'll never know.

Feb 15. 2009
--Sometimes I wonder how I ended up in this situation. I've lost too much of myself.

-- Find me someone or something worth living for... because I'm dying a little more everyday.

-- I'm scared that if I stay this way for too long I'll end up losing the person I use to be... the person I want to be.

-- My heart aches. All the time.

Feb 16. 2009
-- I wonder if I should have held on longer rather than letting go right away. Was I too weak?

Feb 18. 2009
-- Reading old xanga protected posts. My greatest fear "Don't make me another Teo." It's exactly what you did.

Feb 22. 2009
-- You're annoyed when I bring things up again and place it in your mind. I'm annoyed for thinking about it constantly.

-- I moved out of my room a few weeks after we broke up. Since then I haven't slept in my own bed. I don't know if these two things are related. But I've been thinking about it a lot. I haven't been in my room for over 5 min at a time in a long time.

March 27.2009
--Forget her, forget her, forget her. It's not worth it.

April 04. 2009
-- I played with the idea that maybe I could say, "It's all in the past, lets be friends." I couldn't do it.

April 05. 2009
-- Nine months too late to save what died a long time ago.

-- What am I afraid of now? That you were and will always be the defining moment of my life.

April 08. 2009
-- I am a crashing train, destroying not only myself but those who get close to me.

April 12.2009
-- Reading these post I realized most of them are from times when I've tried to forgive you. I also realized, I never really did.

April 16.2009
-- I'm okay with being unhappy now that I've tried to forget times with you. Times when I meant it when I said I was.

April 18.2009
-- So I made a promise to myself I wouldn't cry until I found something that could hurt me as bad as you. It's getting hard to not break down some days, but it works when I think of you all over again.

-- "I remember hearts that beat, I remember you and me." Please God, I'm starting to get desperate, let me be free. Please.

April 22.2009
-- I don't need this broken heart, so why can't you just take it all? And I'll find someone else's to share.

April 26.2009
-- I miss bike riding.

May 05.2009
-- Another time lapse that I don't think of you. Talked to Rosey today, noticed my voice still shakes when I talk about you. Sad? I guess so.

May 11.2009
-- I thought about it and I came to the conclusion that I regret every moment I've ever spent with you. Good or bad.

-- Forgetting you would be the best gift I could ever receive.

May 14.2009
-- I miss being happy. Its been too long.

May 25.2009
-- I hate living. I hate being unhappy. I just want to forget.
-- I can't do it anymore. I can't. It hurts just to be.

May 29.2009
-- Hey, I miss you.

June 03.2009
-- Do you ever remember me and think "I was so happy with you." I do.

June 04.2009
-- Are you counting down days like I am?

June 09.2009
-- It get difficult to recognize myself in the mirror sometimes. Can you see me anymore? I don't know if I can.

June 10.2009
-- 13 days.

June 13.2009
-- The End?

Oct. 21. 2009
-- I love that I can think about you and smile. I love that I'm okay.

I hope that I'm okay.

Aug 10. 2010

--I'm different now you know? It use to be easy going through every day with you; it feels like such a struggle now.