Ghost.

Silly how I find myself drifting back here, even though I told myself I wouldn't; that I would move on and try to forget about you in college. Hmm, I was talking to Kitty tonight. About being homesick, about my goals for college, about finding people I could be myself around. You see, here I'm always trying to be something I'm not. I'm not a drinker, a smoker, a guy looking for girls to sleep with. Who am I? I'm that guy on the swings, who speaks about love, and life, and happiness and sadness. I'm the one trying to find answers to what I am and who I am. The one searching for comfort, for clarity, for intelligence, and depth. The opposite of what I find here: a search for "fun" without consequences. Fun without caring. Where can I find what I'm looking for?
Tonight I felt... consumed by sadness. And I've noticed I've come to associate sadness, with you.

You are the sky that canopies over my thoughts, my memories, my emotions; you define my sadness. It's almost silly how often you're on my mind; how often I'm unhappy. How when there's no one around to talk to, I talk to you. Silly isn't it? How my brain works. How it fills in the silence with your voice. Sometimes it's like we didn't break up. It's like you just passed away. And when I think of it like that, it makes it that much harder to let go of you.
I talk to you in my head like you never changed. Like if you were still the same girl I was in love with. I ask you if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm going to be okay, if you still believe in me. And you're always there to tell me I'm going to be fine, to stay strong and not cry, that you believe in me. It's like talking to a ghost. To a memory of a person who is no longer here. I miss you.
I'm afraid I'll always be haunted by you-- by choice.
You see, I can't let you go.
Does that make sense? It's my choice to keep you here with me. Like I'm chaining you to me; because I still need you. Because I don't want to be alone. Because I'm afraid to live on my own. To live without you.
And yet the real you isn't anything like who you use to be. Someone I was proud of; someone beautiful,more beautiful than anything in the world.
This paradoxical relationship between us is insanity. You are the cause of my sadness, and the answer to it. I call for help, and you answer. Captor and captive. But who is who?
___________________
I will always be in love with a ghost of you.

"I wish you luck, And I wish it true, That's the best, I can do for you..."

Last Post.

It's been a while since I've last written anything,
I'll take that as a good sign.
Two days until the last day of Bronx Science.
Five days until prom.
Nine days until graduation.
And ten days until its been a year since we separated.



I can't say it's been a good year,
I can't say high school's been fun,
It just has...been.
Everything has just, been.

I miss the excitement,
The happiness,
The optimism,
The belief I had in people,
...The belief I had in us.

I was going to write that I would miss you,
But that seems redundant.
There's not much left to say.

I hope you'll keep enjoying your life,
That things go well for you.
I really do.
I hope you find someone who you can really be with,
someone who'll keep you excited.
I hope you do well in school and find something you like to do,
I hope you have fun.
I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do,
And whoever you decide to do it with.
I don't know where I'm going with this,
And I don't want to turn this entry into something negative so I'll leave it at that.

Good Luck Angel Wu.
Good bye.

Broken Soul.

--05.10.09
Broken Soul

Cup your hands around my ear,
And whisper those lines once again.
Make me fall for your every word.

Tell me you'll love me forever.
Tell me what I was worth.

Make me believe in you and everything about you,
The way I did before.
Before you decided I wasn't enough,
Before you didn't care anymore.

And I don't mind this heartache,
This dull throb in my chest.
And I don't mind this heartbreak,
This roaring pain, I'll suppress.
It's this broken soul I can't take,
This loss of myself; who I am.
This lack of reason for living,
This broken and tattered man.

I'm screaming for a reason,
A purpose, a direction, a path.
A dream worth fighting for,
Something ... anything,
That will last.

You tore apart my dreams, my hopes,
Everything I thought to be true.
And I am a fragment of who I use to be,
Because I believed in you.

I hope you'll always feel guilty,
And I hope you'll regret what you missed,
Because at least you'll be living;
I don't live, I exist.

"But I'm not listening for the right words anymore."

--04.20.09
I don't know why I still let it eat at me.
Why I still think about you, or things;
What-I-thought-could-have-been is one of the hardest things to come to terms with,
Right after memories of you.

I flip back to our last conversation,
And I remember how you still believed in giving up.
How you still believed you couldn't change things.
"It's only too late when you let it be so."
It's was never too late...you just let it be.
No matter how bad things got...
No matter how much I hurt,
I still cared about you.
I still would have given you that chance...
With the right words, and with sincerity,
I would.

Janet said I need to stop hoping to hear certain words from you.
That they'll never come.

"I know you're here to catch your breath
But I'm not listening for the right words anymore
I'll take what's left."
-Matt Nathanson

I guess those lyrics speak to me because its how I've been feeling.
I know you only talked to me because its the end of the year,
And you don't want loose ends, unfinished business,
Because you thought I'd like some closure.
But they weren't the words I wanted you to say.
Janet said I should just take it, "take what's left."
But I can't...and I don't know why.
Why I'm holding onto this spark of hope that you can still change and say what I would like you to.
What I, somewhere inside, believe you're capable of.

I'm planning on showing you this blog before we graduate.
I think that what I wanted most was to just know what you were thinking or feeling this whole time,
So in return, I'll show you how I've been feeling.
I guess I think maybe if you could see,
You might understand.
---

Have you heard the song "Whatever It Takes" by Lifehouse ?
I think the lyrics to that song is almost exactly what I wished you would say to me.
I heard the song a month after we stopped talking,
Since then I haven't stopped wishing you'd say something similar to those words.
I hope you listen to it.
---

Thinking back to what you finally gave me:
What I didn't need from you was an explanation.
I needed you to say, "I messed up, I really did, and I hurt you more than I can understand.
I know that I don't deserve it, but I want a chance to make things right.
I know its been a long time, but let me prove you to I'm different now,
Let me take responsibility for the things I've done."
I didn't need you to say "I messed up and this is why; I can't fix anything because its too late, I just wanted you to know."

I needed a change.

I'm tired of all this, and I'm not sure you, or anyone I know really understands how much of you were a part of me.
How much I miss that part.
How some days it's hard just to go through everything,
Feeling like I've lost a part of myself.

How hard days like these are.

Questions- A Note to Self, a Rant about Love.

--04.11.09
Sometimes I sit back and I know I shouldn't blame you as much as I do for everything.
Yes, you left me to deal with things by myself,
But it was me who should have dealt with them.
It hasn't always been you that's held me back,
Actually, most of it has been myself.

When I think about it, I've accomplished everything I had set out to do.
I did what I had wanted to do;
I think where I did fail, it was a personal failure.
You know the saying
"If you love someone let them go, if they never return, they were never yours to begin with?"
I wish it was that simple.
That letting go would be so simple.

Well if love is so pure and clean, then where does the pain come from.
If it was so amazingly pure that you could let go and love them as they walked away without feeling regret or bitterness,
then what is it I feel?
Where is the line between the two, where do the two emotions interact, where do they mingle?

I guess I'm trying to find a label for these emotions.
Trying to break them down into something tangible; a name.
As if how I feel all the time could be called, "abcxzy."
"I feel abcxyz right now."
"Oh I understand, that's in the dictionary, I know what you mean."

Looking for simplicity.

I guess I'm trying to find out what we had.
Because I've always thought of it as love; on my part at least.
And yet it wasn't always so,
I didn't love you when I first met you.
Not at the beginning.
There is no such thing as love at first sight.
Not for us.

So then when does like become love,
And if love is so permanent then why does it fade?
Or if it is permanent, then did you ever love me in the first place?
And if that's the case, was this relationship always lop-sided?
And if it was then why did I always feel like you cared for me more than I did you?
When did that turn around?

I feel plagued by so many unanswered questions and I keep trying to push them down.
Push them away, because I know I wont be able to answer them.
But they always resurface.
One after the other.

Do I only feel this way because now you're gone I realize how much you had meant to me?
If so then how did I feel when I was with you.
I was happy.
I was comfortable.
I was naive.
But at least I was sure.

I hate being confused like this,
but sometimes there are no answers.
And sometimes you just don't want to hear them.
So what is it I need?
I just need to get use to that.

-----
Crack.Crack. This porcelain heart.

Real Life Has No Happy Endings.

--04.04.09

Edited For Grammar and Punctuality.


CoolkidLinchen (12:53:57 AM): I don't know if you would understand. She changed my life when she came into it. Made me believe in things, gave me hope, gave me love, made me who I was. She took the raw happiness and emotions, my ideas and dreams and shaped them into something real...and then she walked out out; took it all away. Took the me, the raw me, with her. And I was left with an emptiness that took me sixteen years to originally fill. Everything I was growing up; up to that moment everything was being turned into something that would define me. And then it was gone. It's like I lost who I was and everything that led me to be the person I was. It's like if I spend my whole life collecting priceless art, and one day I realize the person I trusted most stole it all. Stole my purpose for living. And the only thing I can do is to try to find a new purpose. Because without something to live for, there's nothing. And I still haven't found something new to live for. I don't know... I just want you to understand what it all means. Where I'm at.

Tonight I came closer to crying than I have been in over eight months.
Tonight we talked...and nothing changed.

It's sad to see where we are, how far we've fallen.
How neither of us came out alright.
How it's too late to change anything.

How much you meant to me.

I don't know what to do any more.

Tonight I realized, who I am, who I've become,
Refuses to forgive.
And it scares me to death.






Who the fuck am I anymore.

Permanence.

Short Story.


3/22/09

The automatic door shut closed with a small “ding” as they stepped out of the air conditioned supermarket. A warm gust of air circled around them until their skin prickled with small signs of moisture. In his left hand he holds two plastic bags, in his right, her fingers wrap around his. She gives his hand a slight squeeze as they make their way across the parking lot.

They walk slowly side by side, fingers loosely intertwined. His head facing towards the ground as the large green “Waldbaums” sign drifts away from view.

Another gust of wind blows and lifts the strands of her light brown hair up slightly. When the wind dies down he looks at her again as they settle back over her shoulders. Staring at her in her light green t-shirt and light blue jeans his eyes drift to her face. He traces the outline of her cheekbones, her soft skin, and the corners of her eyes. His chest aches softly. Her brown eyes look up and catch him staring at her, staring into her eyes; she doesn’t look away.

“What are you thinking about?” she asks as they near the sidewalk. He takes a step onto the ledge dividing the parking lot and the sidewalk.

He pauses in his thoughts but continues walking. “I don‘t know.”

They walk in silence for a while longer, now stepping in tune to each other’s footfalls. The 3:00 AM conversation they had the night before plays in his mind as he slowly closes his eyes.
----
He’s sitting up in bed.

His whispers break the silence. “Why does it sound like you’re breaking up with me?”
“I’m not going to leave you.” she whispers back into the phone. “I love you, you know that.”
“Yeah... I guess.”
“You guess? What do you mean? How long has it been now? Almost a year, don’t you trust me by now?”

Her voice begins to rise.

“Then why does it sound like you want to end it?” He asks.
“I’m not. I told you that already. I just…I just wish you’d stop doubting us.”
“I know you do but I’m going to have my doubts, everyone has their doubts.”

Static crackles on the phone as she listens for more.

“How come?" She questions him. "Don’t you know me by now?”
“Because things change. Things happen and I… I don’t know what I’m saying.”
“Well tell me how am I supposed to be with you if you don’t think we’ll work out?”

He tries to gather his thoughts.

“I’m not saying that." He shifts the phone from his left hand to his right. "I just have my doubts. I guess I just have my own issues.”
“Look.” She says. “I’m not going to break up with you, ever. And if you love me you wouldn’t be thinking this way.”

“Mmm.”

He doesn’t know how to respond.

“Do you love me?” She asks him.
He doesn’t hesitate. “Yeah, I do.”
“Then that’s all that matters.”
“Mmm. Yeah.”

Time passes before she breaks the silence. “It’s getting late. We can talk about it tomorrow if you want?”
“Yeah. Alright, tomorrow.”

“Good night.”
“You too.”
“I love you”
“I love you too.”

He looks at his cell phone. The numbers 186: 25 blink on and off, the black numbers contrasting the blue background of the LCD screen. They had talked for three hours six minutes and twenty five seconds. Lying down, he flips shut the cell phone, now burning hot, and places it under his pillow. His cheek touches his pillowcase and he realizes it’s still moist where his eyes had been earlier. He flips it over to the cool side before closing his eyes for the night.
-------

“What are you thinking about?” she asks again, her voice breaking into his memory.

His eyes snap open as he returns to the present.

“Just about last night.”
“Mm. What do you think?”

They stop at a red light and he lets go of her hand, shifting the weight of the plastic bags from his left hand to his right. As a car drives past them they see their reflection briefly in the windows. He sees himself; he’s standing a foot away from her, the plastic bag between them.

The light turns green and they cross.

Staring ahead, he opens his mouth to speak. “I’m worried about us.” he says.
“Why?”
“I don’t know what’s happening between us.”
“Nothing is." She says definitively. "I love you, nothing is going to change that.”

“Mmm.”

More silence.

“Do you love me?” she asks.
“Yeah, I do.”
“Say it.” A small demand.
“I love you.”

“I love you too.” she whispers.

He stares at her again but this time she doesn’t look at him. He sighs and shifts the weight of the plastic bags back to his left hand. Taking two steps forward, he turns around and faces her.

She stops walking.

“Alright” he says, dropping the bags.

She looks up.

He smiles and places his arms on her shoulders, his thumbs touching lightly behind her. “Alright. I’ll throw away my doubts. From now on I give you my heart.” He takes his arms and pretends to rip his heart out of his chest, a silly grin across his face. “Put out your hands out.”

She places her hands in front of him.

She’s grinning too.

“Now cup them.”

Her hands cup together and he carefully places his heart into her hands.

“It’s yours now. Take good care of it.”

She looks up at him with a silly smile on her face. Her eyes twinkle with amusement and she wraps her arms around him. “You’re so corny, you know.” She buries her face into his shoulders.

“Haha yeah. I know. Just make sure you don’t break it.”

He smiles.

“I won’t.”

“Promise?”

She grabs a piece of paper and a pen out of her jeans and scribbles “I promise.” before handing it to him.

"One sec" he says; he turns around to grab the groceries when she runs forward suddenly grabbing his right hand in both of hers. He trips and stumbles as he‘s jerked forward. “HURRY UP” she yells, laughing and running already a few yards away. He grabs the bags and runs after her.

Hand in hand, they run down the street, plastic bag flying behind them.

-------

Eight months and twenty four days later.


The automatic door shut close with a small “ding” as he stepped out of the supermarket.

Reaching into his jeans he pulls out his wallet and drops his change in. He pauses to stare at the folded piece of paper in the corner of his wallet next to an old receipt and some loose change. Picking up the note, he carefully unfolds it.

To his left, the wind blows, shaking the branches of the bare trees.
He takes a deep breathe and closes his eyes, hesitating.
Waiting.

Holding the note with just two fingers, he feels the paper flap against the breeze.

A strong gust drifts in from his right and he lets go.

Standing there, eyes closed, he listens to the whistle of the wind and his own breathing until suddenly, feeling a chill, he pulls his jacket tighter around his chest. He opens his eyes, and takes one more breathe before walking home, leaving the setting sun behind him.
-------
-------

All things are temporary.

New Start?

--03.01.09
I hope this isn't another one of those temporary up moments.
I haven't thought about you excessively in ...9 days?
And that's a new record.
I wonder if this will be a pathway to moving on.
Because if it is, this is the first real sign that it's happening.

It's kind of scary though. And I'm confused as to what is really letting go.
But I hope I am. Because I need this.

And you know what? I think I'm finding myself a bit more again.
I bit more of the old me.

Time will tell.

You Paid Me Well in Memories . . .

--02.21.09
I wrote you a letter today.
I'm trying to forgive you again so I poured out my heart one last time.
Your response was "I don't care, I don't want to care, caring only makes things worse."
I wasn't surprised. It's the same response you gave me long ago.
Sometimes I'm amazed at your selfishness.
How much you want things to be about you.
I remember when we broke up you weren't worried about me.
You were never worried about me.
"You have your friends, who do I have?"
I. I. I. Never anyone else.
You were worried what people would think of you.
What they would say about you.
You took yourself away from the situation thinking if you could ignore it, it would sort itself out.
You came back to school acting fine. Like if the world was revolving fine.
But mine had stopped spinning.
Jade said to me, "You looked so sad on the first day of school" or something along those lines.
How do I look now?

I hope at some point you'll stop crying and feeling sorry for yourself.
I hope at some point I do too.

Need to move on, need to move on, need to move on.

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin. Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in.

--01.24.09
I wonder how much dissapointment a regular person should be able to take.
I wonder how much I'm willing to continue trying to find the good in people.
To give the benefit of the doubt.
It's not worth it, is it?
Every chance I give, is another hit I take.

I thought I'd done it.
Hit the bottom of the well. Took my scars, and I was ready to crawl out.
Then the floor gave way.
And I realized, that even solid ground can slip out from under me.

Everything comes full circle and history repeats itself once again.

I wonder. Did I just get what I deserved?

I always felt, life was full of happiness, and it only was disrupted by a sad or unhappy moment.
A ripple in the ocean of life.
Maybe I was wrong, and life is just full of disappointments; a never ending horrible television show,
Where happiness comes as commercials, in short sporadic episodes trying to sell me into buying its ads.
Happiness here! Come and get it!

But hey. We all know we almost never get it. We all know, its just a lie.

It's sad to know.
The only person you can trust, is yourself.
And even then, that's not always reliable.
Seriously though.
I give up.
I went from happy idealistic Lin, looking for the best in people.
Trying to create a Disney fairytale relationship.
To sad hurt disappointed Lin.
The one who tries to smile like he use to,
but doesn't really feel happy at all.

I'm walking through the next 5 months as if this were just a bad dream.
Someone.
Wake me up in college.
Wake me up from this nightmare.
I don't have dreams anymore...just nightmares.